Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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