sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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