So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
