I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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