my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
