Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Where did you get a picture of my penis
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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