she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
