Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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