We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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