Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
