When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
