I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
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