3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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