Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
