Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
