News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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