My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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