just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
