what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
