You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
