I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
