is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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