drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
