Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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