your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
