i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Randomize
