ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
