i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I supernannyed him into submission
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Couch. On fire.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
