Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
