i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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