Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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