worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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