Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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