I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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