Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
