Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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