At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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