If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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