Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
