There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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