You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
