the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
