if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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