Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
