i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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