I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
