How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
