We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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