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How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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