i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
